Mind, Body and Soul Time – The Importance of Daily One-on-One Time With Our Kids

I’m sure you’ve heard of the old adage that if a child can’t get attention in a positive way, he’ll seek it in a negative way.  I think this is one of the fundamental truths about our kids that we tend to forget.  We often fail to see that our child’s negative behavior is really a cry for our attention and not them wanting to act like a tiny crazy person.

Amy McCready, the founder of positive parenting solutions (which you can join and download as an app, highly recommend), emphasizes this idea that bad behavior isn’t just bad behavior—if it’s not reflective of lousy circumstances (overstimulated, tired, hungry), it’s representative of a need that isn’t being met.  Every child (and every adult, too, really) has fundamental dual needs of belonging (feeling emotionally connected and secure) and significance (feeling like they make a difference and contribute meaningfully).  But children can’t verbalize this (wouldn’t it be nice if they could!), so if these buckets aren’t being filled, they’re going to misbehave without really even knowing why.

One of the most fundamental tools Amy emphasizes to ensure these buckets are being filled is called “mind, body and soul time” (MBST). 

In a nutshell, MBST is spending 10-20 minutes, one-on-one with your child, doing something that your child wants to do. 

So this is time when you ask your kiddo what he or she feels like doing, and you do it (within reality and reason, so no, you don’t have to say yes to making a crayon mural on the wall). 

Now you may be thinking (especially if you work from home like me, or are a stay-at-home mom)—but I already see my kids and am around them all the time, all day long!  I get that.  But if you are never (or rarely) spending true one-on-one time with them, even if you’re around them all the time, and even if you’re playing with all of your kids together at times during the day, your kids, as individuals, may not be getting that special, much-needed dose of your focused attention and connection they truly need.

A few essential pointers for this special time:

1.  It should be daily, or as close to daily as possible. 

If you have 19 children, this may not be possible, so maybe you split up the days of the week between kids.  But the goal is daily MBST with each child.  And if you can do it at roughly the same time each day so you can alleviate any anxiety over when their time with you will be, all the better.  You can even consider adding each child’s allotted time to your family calendar if you use one.  And if there is more than one parent in the house, if both parents can manage MBST, the benefits will be that much greater.

2.  You need to be all in.

No cell phones, no fitbit watches lighting you up with texts, no television, and no other littles running around distracting you.  This should ideally be uber quality time with just you two.  Knowing you are only focused on them, and only they matter in that moment, is a major hit of belonging and significance for your child.

3.  You should be in your child ego state.

I loved learning through positive parenting solutions that, as adults, we actually have three ego states: (1) Adult; (2) Parent; and (3) Child.  Our adult ego state is like the state we’re in at work—the no-nonsense, non-emotional state.  Our parent ego state is when we’re in charge at home—directing, bossing, correcting.  And our child ego state is the one where we’re making forts with our kids, getting super into playing monopoly, and laughing until our stomachs hurt. 

Unfortunately, we spend most of our time with our kids in our parent ego state, right?  The parent ego state is totally necessary, don’t get me wrong, and we need to be in that state sometimes, but think about just how much of your day you spend directing, bossing and correcting your kids instead of getting on their level (physically and mentally), and just enjoying time with them.  Clearly our kids enjoy us most when we’re in our child ego state.  Who wouldn’t?  So this is exactly the state we need to be in when we do MBST.

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The fundamental idea behind MBST is that, if we implement this daily time with our kids, we are showing them every. single. day. how they belong and how significant they are to us.  And this will very naturally go a long way to reducing misbehavior, because most of the misbehavior simply won’t be necessary for them anymore!  They’re already getting the positive attention they need from you!

So, go grab those blankets, make some forts, and give in to your inner child.  You and your kids will be so glad you did.