Three Simple But Powerful Ways to Show Our Children the Respect They Deserve

In my opinion, the cornerstone of effective, loving, positive parenting is respect.  I think we’ve all heard the antiquated view that children should be seen and not heard.  But would that ever hold water for adults?  No way.  As adults, we rightfully feel entitled to have and express opinions and thoughts, important or trivial.  Why should it be any different for our children?  It shouldn’t, which is why, thankfully, most modern parents have left that antiquated view where it belongs—in the past.

Children are little, but they’re simply little humans, with the same fundamental, human needs as adults, which includes the need to feel respected and valuable. 

There are a lot of ways we as parents can show our children they matter to us, that they’re a valuable part of this world, and that we respect them.  Here are three simple ways we can reinforce these beliefs.

1.  Stop, Drop, and Listen

I am so guilty of trying to do 50 things at once (aren’t we all?!), including trying to listen to my kids while I chop veggies, clean a spill, or finish writing an email.  But when I step back and think how I would feel if my kids “listened” to me in this way, I realize it would make me feel like they’re not truly listening and not showing me respect.  The Golden Rule in action!

Whenever possible, we should stop what we’re busy doing, drop down to our child’s eye level to look them in the eye, and really listen. 

Clearly sometimes (maybe even a lot of the time) it’s unavoidable to multitask, but one thing we can always do if we’re in the middle of something is reassure our kids that what they have to say is important to us, and we would love to give them the attention they deserve as soon as we’re able.  This preserves our own space as parents to do what needs doing (or simply to do what we want to do) and simultaneously ensures our children feel valuable and heard.

And I’ve seen firsthand how my kids respond to the way I listen to them.  When my 3-year old, Kensley, asks “Mama can you see something?” and I say yes and am listening but not truly looking, she’ll say “Okay Mama, then see something. Look at me.”  She feels so much more respected when I truly stop, drop, and listen.  And that makes perfect sense!

2.  Show that What Matters to Them Matters to You

I still go to my parents almost first thing when something exciting or notable happens in my life, and I have always loved to share with them the things that matter to me.  And I’m fortunate they have nearly always been my biggest supporters, even if they don’t understand or relate to what’s mattering to me in that moment.  And I think this is key.

As parents, we have the opportunity to be our kids’ safe place, sounding board, and unwavering support system, even if we can’t for the life of us understand what they enjoy about Captain Underpants.  Of course, I’m not suggesting we condone unhealthy habits or behaviors (mindlessly playing on an iPad for hours on end), but for the vast majority of healthy, everyday interests, we can remind our kiddos how much we respect them by engaging with them about the things that matter to them—asking questions about what they enjoy and why, participating in games or activities involving their interests, or even just offering a genuine smile when they excitedly rave about Dog Man’s latest epic journey.

Respecting our kids includes respecting and encouraging (within healthy, positive boundaries) their interests.  And this foundation of respect will be a springboard for them to explore the world with our support and guidance.

3.  Invite Participation in Decision-Making

I think it’s universal, regardless of age, that we feel important when we’re in charge of making decisions.  Nobody feels respected when they’re incessantly bossed around.  So the more we can invite our children to be a part of the decision-making process, the more empowered and respected they will feel.

And this can start when they’re tiny! One thing we’ve done in our home since both of our kids were babies is give choices.  So even if a one-year old can’t decide carte blanche what to do for the day, giving two choices and empowering him to decide is a huge hit of power and respect for him. 

The power of choice can also be used to ameliorate power struggles.  Take the ever-present bedtime struggle.  Time to get ready for bed…cue meltdown.  But if we add in choices, we allow our kids to be a part of deciding how the bedtime process will look, reinforcing for them that they are a respected part of the family, and in this way we can reduce the power struggle.  “Would you like to walk to the bathroom, or would you like Mommy to carry you?” (both choices get us to the bathroom! score!).  Giving choices like these achieves our parental goals (like getting ready for bed) while letting our littles feel like they’re (at least partly) in charge, and therefore autonomous and respected.  

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Ultimately, I think the most effective way to gain respect from our children is to show them respect.  They deserve it.  And so do we.