Avoid Power Struggles By Empowering Your Kids

We’ve all probably experienced those tantrums that seem to make no sense or come out of nowhere.  The infuriating refusals to do simple things, or not do things, in response to very reasonable requests from us parents.  “No, I will NOT go put that crayon away!” (maybe even followed by throwing a few more crayons on the ground for good measure).  “I am NOT getting dressed!” (as she stands there in undies and slippers but wants to play outside in the cold).  We’re often left scratching our heads at these totally “unreasonable” responses, right?  But when you step back and look at the behavior, is it actually unreasonable, or is it a signal?

We’re all born into this world as little blobs of consciousness.  Everything we learn from birth—how to eat, talk, walk, and everything in between—is taught to us by our caretakers, who also happen to be the ones who make nearly all of the decisions for us.  But one of our basic human needs is autonomy and a sense of control.  So at a certain point, our kids are (rightfully) going to start seeking to fill their power buckets.  And that’s not just ok, that’s good!  It’s developmentally appropriate!  The issue becomes whether they’re able to find ways to assert their power in a positive way.  As we know, kids who grow up feeling completely powerless often take control in unhealthy ways, like developing an eating disorder, or other behavioral issues that give them power in a negative way, simply to fulfill that basic human need. 

So, stepping back, maybe we can reframe our view of our kids’ meltdowns and adjust our own behavior.  Perhaps the befuddling tantrums are simply our kiddos telling us “Hey, I feel like I don’t get to make any decisions around here!  You’re always the boss, and I’m tired of it!”  So, what can we do to remain the “boss” but simultaneously help our children to feel empowered?

1.  Provide Space for Kids to Make Decisions Within Boundaries

I think this is one of THE most powerful tools in our parental toolbox.  This is one of the first parenting techniques I read about when I was pregnant for the first time, and it seemed so simple, but has been transformative.  The idea is to provide choices (typically just two to keep it simple) to your child, both of which achieve your goal as a parent, but give your child full reign to make the choice.  I remember vividly one of the first times I used this with my son.  We needed to leave and go to the car, and he was not a fan of that idea.  So I gave him the choice of walking to the car or having mommy carry him there.  Both of those choices get him to the car, but he gets to choose how to get there.  So both he and mama get their needs met!  Not to say that this works every time, of course.  My daughter often chooses “neither” (clever). But it’s still a tool that works a lot of the time and is a good place to start.

Another way to use this tool that is less goal-oriented and even more empowering is to give your child an array of choices, or to allow some carte blanche choice-making.  For example, maybe you give each child one night a week or month to choose from five different meals for dinner, or five choices of what to do on the weekend.  Or, if you feel brave, give them the opportunity to occasionally choose whatever meal or activity (within reason) they would like.  Allowing this once in a while in conjunction with the daily gift of more targeted choice-making opportunities is sure to help fill our kids’ power buckets in a productive, fun way.

2.  Remove the “Reward” and Introduce the “Redo”

A central reason kids assert themselves in a power struggle is to push our buttons, right?  Of course they’ll feel powerful if they can get us all frazzled.  Even if it’s not the positive attention they’d ideally like, it’s something.  So, what if we just remove our flustered response?  If we decline to get agitated and instead remain calm, we remove one of the primary “rewards” associated with the power struggle. 

And this doesn’t have to be punitive.  Our decision to remain calm doesn’t have to mean we ignore our kids and their feelings.  We can instead use one of Amy McCready’s clever tools, which I love, called the “redo.”  (I’ve mentioned Amy McCready in past posts also, because she’s one of my favorite parenting experts and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions—check it out for sure!).  Essentially, if a power struggle behavior starts (yelling at you, refusing to clean up, etc.), you can stop (and get down on your child’s level) to say something like “I love you too much to be in a disrespectful argument with you, so let’s work on how we talk to each other.  When you see me make this signal (whatever works for you), it means you need to redo the way you spoke to me and try again in a respectful way.”  Again, this won’t always work, and if the behavior continues, you can nonchalantly walk away (while letting your child know you’re still there to help and comfort if need be).  But I love the “redo,” especially because it’s something you can let your child do with you!  It’s so empowering for them to be able to signal to you that your tone or what you said hurt their feelings, and you should try again.

3.  Build in Time Buffers

You look at your watch and realize it’s almost 5:00 and you intended to have the kids home before 5:15 so you can make dinner, feed them, and get them showered before bed.  Time to leave the park stat.  But every time you leave the park your kiddo loves to walk to the car on her tip-toes, making sure not to step on any leaf or crack.  This does not lend itself to rushing to the car.  Or you just want to get his teeth brushed because it was bedtime like 30 minutes ago, but your little insists on taking very slow steps up the stepstool, and needs to spend time making a judicious toothpaste decision, and has to squeeze the toothpaste on himself.  Sound familiar?  Sometimes we just want to get things done in our quick, efficient way.  And sometimes we do need to rush.  But the majority of the time, we should try to respect that our kids are learning to navigate this world in their own way.  And oftentimes that may mean taking twice as long as us to do something.  If we can try to build in time buffers whenever possible to allow space for this slower navigation, not only will we help our kids to feel like powerful decision-makers, which fills their power buckets, but we can also step back and take the time to appreciate their sweet and endearing their little habits and quirks.  And they really are so sweet. 

If you’ve ever read the children’s book “I Wish you More,” you may remember the page that says “I wish you more pause than fast-forward,” with a little girl stopping to watch a worm.  We should all try to seize the opportunity life has given us with our kids to see the world again through their discerning, innocent eyes, and really spend more time pausing than rushing around life.  Am I right?

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Just like babies cry to communicate with us, our kids’ behaviors are often signals of their needs.  I know I’m not the most patient person, and, for me, reframing my kids’ behavior in this way helps me gain perspective and (a little) more patience (usually).  And really, this applies to adults too!  It’s why we go to therapy, right?  To uncover why we feel and behave certain ways—what do these things say about our basic needs that aren’t being met?  Big or small, we’re all just human, and we all have the same fundamental needs. 

I hope one or more of these ideas helps reduce power struggles in your home too!