The Impact of Mommy Wine Culture on Our Children

Mommy Juice.  The memes abound.  We’ve all seen them.  Maybe laughed at them.  And enter quarantine, the wine-o-clock mindset has become almost omnipresent.  I think wine-o-clock used to be 5pm, but I’m pretty sure 2020 instituted a time change that moved it closer to noon.  Even absent the aggravating presence of covid, the mommy wine culture has undeniably been gaining steam in the last decade.  I personally don’t remember ever hearing the term “mommy juice” when I was growing up, but I feel like it’s rampant now.  What started as healthy commiseration among parents over a glass of wine slyly morphed into a culture of turning to alcohol to “deal” with parenting.  And using each other and our society that not only okays it, but promotes it, as validation for this damaging coping mechanism.  I think, if we’re honest, we all know that Big Alcohol (the industry that tricks us into believing that it’s the bud light—not the fresh air, crashing waves and sunshine—that makes us love the beach) is not our friend.  And the mommy wine culture is, unfortunately, pretty dangerous.  For us and for our kids.

Here are some reasons why.

1.  Kids translate “Mommy Juice” as “my mom needs alcohol to deal with me.”

You know when you whisper to your spouse and your kids somehow hear from the other room?  That selective hearing.  It’s amazing.  Well they also see everything, whether we realize it or not.  Even if we don’t verbalize our stress, they sense it.  And if every time we feel overwhelmed by parenting they see us reach for the vino and pour it into that giant wine glass with the words “mommy juice” emblazoned on the side, they’re going to put it together.  And even if it’s not that blatant, they’ll still put it together.  Our kids are wicked smart.  I’m absolutely sure none of us would ever say “I want my kids to feel like they’re a burden to me.”  And yet, if we’re reinforcing the message that mommy needs wine to survive mommyhood, that’s part of the message we’re unintentionally sending.  If my husband made it clear that he reached for alcohol just to deal with being my spouse, I’d feel pretty insecure about myself and my relationship.  I know we don’t want our kids to feel this way.  So while I’m not at all saying that having a glass of vino to chill out after a long day of outside work or parenting or both is a negative thing (it can be healthy in moderation, both physically and mentally), we need to be uber cognizant about not playing into the pervasive mommy wine culture—especially in front of our kids.

2.  It sends the message to our kids that alcohol is an appropriate coping mechanism.

This is really just an extrapolation of the last issue.  Not only does the mommy wine culture risk making our kids feel like we need alcohol to parent them, but it also sends the broader message that alcohol is an acceptable coping mechanism for stress in general.  This is a serious issue.  As parents, we work so hard to teach our kids grit and resilience, and methods to manage emotions in healthy ways.  The last thing we want to do is contradict those messages with the message that you can just turn to a substance to deal with the stress of life.  And again, while a bit of wine can arguably be a good thing, unfortunately the American culture has cultivated an incredibly unhealthy relationship with alcohol (and substances in general).  In the Blue Zones in other parts of the world (the healthiest societies in terms of longevity), wine is often a celebrated part of the culture, and is used in moderation in concert with beautiful meals enjoyed with family and friends.  In stark contrast, we have the American approach to alcohol, in which kids start drinking at far too precious ages, and are brought up in the binge-drinking, hazing approach to alcohol.  America is a More culture, and alcohol is no exception.  We really need to do our best as parents to counteract this extraordinarily dangerous “norm.”  And part of that effort is ensuring that we’re walking examples of how to interact with alcohol in a healthy way—i.e., not as a coping mechanism.  Our kids will walk in our footsteps, so let’s lead them to a healthy place.

3.  Mommy Juice doesn’t help us anyway!

If wine were actually a parenting panacea, genuinely helping us to increase our patience and be on our parenting game, then maybe the culture around it would be justifiable.  But if we’re truly honest, we know it’s not.  All alcohol makes us feel great in the short term, but that’s it.  Unfortunately, after the buzz wears off, we’re actually more anxious and less patient than we were before the drink.  This is simply the way alcohol works in our bodies.  It doesn’t pay out the dividends it promises.  And for many, that single glass of wine turns into much, much more, and we end up damaging our bodies, both in the short- and long-term, which only makes parenting (and life) harder.  Waking up with a hangover after a fitful sleep makes parenting so much easier—said no one ever.

The endless jokes about quarantinis, pouring wine into tea cups during zoom calls, and the general use of alcohol to survive these crazy covid times, have been kind of funny, and maybe even understandable, but we’ve all heard the stats about rising levels of alcoholism, and these funny memes and jokes walk the dangerous line of validating people’s behavior who are seriously struggling with addiction.  If we as a society step back, we can see that to truly support one another as parents (and as human beings), we need to put alcohol back in its place.  Laughing at these memes can seem therapeutic in the moment, but it contributes to allowing alcohol to control us, not the other way around.  And we all need to remember—we are good moms and dads despite the end-of-day cocktails, certainly not because of them.

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Being a parent can totally be challenging sometimes.  If it’s not, you need to reveal your secrets!  Getting together with friends for a drink, swapping parenting tips, and commiserating in general, can be healing and wonderful.  One thing we know about centenarians is they have a robust social network.  And for many, a glass of vino can be part of that!  But it’s the supportive tribe that keeps us healthy and thriving, not the alcohol.  (Yes, yes, red wine has resveratrol, but you’d need to drink 750 glasses of it to get the benefits!  Check out my resveratrol post). 

I’m definitely not hating on wine or its role as an accompaniment to healthy social experiences.  But we really need to band together to help curb the dangerous messaging of Big Alcohol.  And at the very, very least, the phrase “Mommy Juice” should be shown the door.