The Importance of Apologizing to our Children

If you’re like me, at the end of each day, you take inventory of how many times you made a parenting mistake.  I shouldn’t have lost my patience.  I shouldn’t have given that look.  I should have been more encouraging.  I should have listened more closely.  The shouldn’ts and should haves really add up, and if you let them, they weigh heavily.

Even though I still do this, and probably always will to an extent, one of the most impactful things I’ve learned as a parent is the importance of being imperfect.  Imagine for a minute if you were actually a perfect parent.  You have an endless bucket of patience, always know precisely what to say in every given conflict to resolve it, you never snap, certainly never yell, know how to set the appropriate limits in every situation, and you never, ever let your kids down.  Sounds amazing, right?  Except what would this do to our kids?  They would probably be blissfully happy at home, but what about when they go out into the world and realize that not everyone is perfect, and the people they love and who love them will, frequently, let them down?  The reality is everyone is imperfect—especially, it seems, the people we love most—and being an imperfect parent is allowing our kids to learn this lesson in the safety of their home.

But being imperfect is the easy part!  Being conscientious of our imperfection, and mastering the ability to apologize to our children, is the harder, but more important part.  If you have loved ones in your life who are unable to apologize to you, even when they know they’re in the wrong, you know how hard that is.  I love this Psychology Today article by Laura Markham, Ph.D (also author of a book I love called Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting), in which she recounts how difficult parents often find it to apologize, even though they’re always encouraging (and often mandating) their children to apologize.  Maybe it’s a fear of losing respect, of looking wrong when parents are always “supposed” to be right.   But this “do what I say, not what I do (or don’t do)” approach is not teaching our kids the right lessons.  Instead, our failure to apologize to our children teaches them that they shouldn’t need to apologize unless forced, or that apologies in a relationship are unnecessary and associated with shame.  This is obviously not what we want.

Ultimately, we strive to be good examples for our kids, and showing our kids our own humility and ability to admit wrong is no exception.  It may even be one of the most important examples we can set!  It shows our children we respect them, and treat them accordingly, and what could be more important than that?

I also love Laura’s reminders in her article about how to apologize – resisting the urge to blame (“I’m sorry, but you were yelling so loudly!”), not ruining an apology by making excuses (“I know I shouldn’t have snapped, but I’m so stressed!”), taking responsibility (“I should have been there.  I’m sorry”), and making a plan for repair (“What can I do to make this right?”).  And to apologize for things that you would want an apology for, even if it’s small, like apologizing for interrupting your child. 

Children may be smaller than adults, but it doesn’t mean they deserve a smaller amount of respect.  And if we want our kids to grow up to be respectful to others (pretty sure we all do!), the best thing we can do is respect them.

So, in our house, there are a lot of apologies!  Not constant, unnecessary ones for boundaries that are important, but when I lose my cool, I own up to it, and I explain it, and we talk about how we can work as a team to rectify things.  And I make genuine efforts to change my behavior so those same apologies don’t keep happening and lose their meaning (that’s a biggie).

Here are a few other things we do or abide by in our home that I think are meaningful and important:

1. When I apologize and ask for forgiveness, I physically get down to my child’s level.  It’s easier sometimes to just rattle off an apology as we’re doing something else, or from our big, towering height as a parent, but really looking your child in the eyes and being with him or her makes the apology, and request for forgiveness, exponentially more impactful. 
2. When I apologize to one of my children, I make sure to do it (whenever possible) in front of my other child.  I want both of my children to hear me apologize and to see the way I’m showing respect for their sibling—it’s a learning opportunity for all of us.  I also think it brings us all closer together.
3. It’s never too late for an apology. Sometimes I’ll go to bed and think “Why didn’t I apologize for that? Why was I so stubborn? They didn’t deserve that.”  And I make sure, first thing the next morning, to take the time to apologize.  Sometimes I even apologize for something that happened a week earlier.  And I’m sure at some point I’ll apologize for a years-old issue.  I don’t think it’s ever too late. 
4. If my children witness a disagreement between me and my husband, we try to ensure they also see the resolution.  It’s a powerful lesson to see that grown-ups have conflicts but can resolve them in healthy ways, and it reduces the stress our kids may experience wondering if mommy and daddy are going to be ok.  A home in which mom and dad either hide their conflict altogether, or never seem to resolve their conflicts, is an unhealthy environment.

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Maybe I apologize too much to everyone (another imperfection to add to the list, perhaps), but I can tell you from personal experience, once you get comfortable apologizing—genuinely, and frequently—to your kids, that heavy weight of your inevitable parenting mistakes will start to lighten.  And at the end of each day, instead of tallying up your shouldn’ts and should haves, you can look back on a day of love and reconciliation, and feel proud of the example you set for your littles.

This parenting journey is perfectly imperfect—and so beautiful.