Two Simple Ways to Mindfully Communicate with our Kids

We’ve all (unfortunately) heard the refrain “children should be seen and not heard.”  Thankfully, most people recognize that this antiquated perspective has no place in a modern approach to raising kids, which is, instead, based on mutual respect, consideration, and empathy.  Indeed, if we want to raise emotionally intelligent kids who are respectful and mindful of others, it only makes sense that we should start by being respectful and mindful of them.  And one way we can do that is to be cognizant of how we communicate with them.  Below are two simple communication techniques—just simple word changes—that achieve our parenting goals while demonstrating considerate communication.

1.  The “When… then” Technique    

I love this technique, which I learned from Positive Parenting Solutions (founder Amy McCready).  It changes an “If/then” statement into a “When/then” statement.  For example, you might say “If you finish your homework, then you can go outside and ride your bike.”  This seems like a pretty reasonable thing to say, right?  But the “If” carries a connotation of doubt.  The “If” statement inherently lacks confidence in your child’s ability or willingness to finish the homework.  “If” doesn’t assume success.  But if you change the statement to “When you finish your homework, then you can go outside and ride your bike,” the “when” assumes your child will actually finish that homework.  It’s communicating a presumption of success.  It seems really subtle, but it’s a clever and insightful way to not only motivate our kids, but also to communicate that we have confidence in them—the ultimate form of respect—which will, in turn, instill them with self-confidence.  

2.  “And” over “But”

Favoring “and” over “but” is beneficial for similar reasons.  Take the statement “I love spending time with you, but I really need to work right now before I can do that.”  The word “but” is meant to undercut whatever precedes it, right?  And in this statement, what precedes “but” is that we love spending time with our child.  We’re unintentionally diminishing that sentiment by following it with “but.”  Instead, we can shift to an “and” mindset.  “I love spending time with you, and I am excited to do that when I finish this work.”  Again, it’s a subtle change, but the entire dynamic of the statement changes.  We’re still communicating the importance of getting our work done now, but we’re in no way diminishing our message that we value and prioritize our time with our kids.  And it works for other kinds of statements too, like “I know you want to play with your friends, but you need to clean your room first.”  Changing this to “I know you want to play with your friends, and you can do that when you’ve cleaned your room,” alters the tone from one of deprivation to one of empowerment.  (Also notice the use of “when” instead of “if”!).  Shifting to an “and” approach is another way we can show respect and consideration for our littles by ensuring we don’t undercut or diminish our feelings for them or our consideration of their opinions and desires.

***

As we all know too well, communicating is tricky.  Even (maybe especially) as adults!  That’s why we have things like couple’s therapy, right?  So if we want to raise emotionally intelligent, mindful communicators, it really starts with us.  We’re not going to be perfect parents, but little changes like these certainly help.  And we may still get eye-rolls and pushback sometimes (that’s inevitable), but at least we’ll be modeling considerate communication.  Ultimately, the Golden Rule prevails—treat our kids how we want them to treat us and others:  with respect, consideration and compassion.